Civil engineering jokes one liners

Civil engineering jokes one liners DEFAULT

If we had a civilization on the moon and someone committed murder, would the punishment still be the same?

I mean, I would think the gravity of the situation would be way less, ya know?

The journalist asked, "Excuse me, is it true that quantum computing could spell the end of civilization as we know it?"

The scientist replied:

"Yes ... and no. It's a bit uncertain."

An electrical engineer, mechanical engineer, and civil engineer are sitting in a bar

when the civil engineer wonders, "If god were an engineer, what type would he be?"

The electrical engineer says, "Oh, that's easy. Think of the human body: impulses in the brain, signals sent through muscles and nerves...god is an electrical engineer."

The mechanical engineer counters,...

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I asked my friend if liked his job as a civil engineer in the sanitation department.

He said it was very rewarding to know crap is being taken care of.

No one likes me telling jokes about the Civil War...

I always end up getting Stonewalled.

After the losing party refuses to accept election results, a country is teetering on the edge of a civil war.

Armed insurgents invade the capitol, threaten violence and are ultimately overpowered. But intelligence shows that they may be planning another attack.

The country’s leaders ask for advice in how to handle the violence.

The winning party yells “Impeach the outgoing president during...

You're lost in the middle of the woods at night, alone. The sky is cloudy, there are no trails, no map, no cell phone and no GPS. No sign of a city in any direction. How do you get back to civilization?

You tell an old joke out loud, wait a couple of minutes and follow any of the angry redditors shouting "repost!" back to civilization.

Everyone hated the egotistical civil engineer.

He got too big for his bridges.

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

There once was a man named Ulf, and he was the meanest Viking in all the land.

Time after time he proved his temperament, and so obnoxious was he that the world knew him as Rude Ulf.

Despite his prowess, the village soon found him unbearable, and even his mother had not a kind thing to say.

Amidst pleas and cries for Rude Ulf’s exile, the chief gave him an ultima...

Tony Stark catching Nick Fury up on the events of Civil War

Tony: So anyway the Avengers broke up and Steve is a fugitive now.

Fury: Wait, are you serious?

Tony: No cap

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A friend of mine is cheating on his wife with an alien from an advanced civilization

That’s fucking intelligent.

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Two guys lost in the woods [NSFW]

Two hunters are lost in the woods and looking for a way back to town. As they wander through the forest they come upon train tracks. It's decided that one would follow it south, the other would follow north. If neither found civilization after five miles, they would turn around and meet back up.
...

Just watched Captain America: Civil War for the first time

Couldn't get enough, so I looked out of the window to watch America: Civil War.

The human body was probably designed by a civil engineer

Who the hell builds a toxic sewage pipeline through a recreational area ?

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A politician, drug dealer, beekeeper, priest, doctor, lawyer, accountant, engineer, prostitute, programmer, nurse, chef, forensic analyst, biologist, truck driver and a writer walk into a bar

It is a big bar. Very big one. And empty, or at least it was empty until this large group of people entered it.

They all form a queue in front of the bar and order drinks one by one. The politician gets a Heineken, the drug dealer orders a Budweiser, the beekeeper gets a mead, the priest buy...

A Gen Z kid and a boomer walk into a bar

They sit down and the Gen Z kid orders from the gluten free vegan menu and the boomer orders a T-Bone steak.

They start chatting and the Gen Z kid says that social justice issues are the biggest problem facing the world, and that the white supremacist patriarchy is a plague on society.
...

There was once a man called Ia'Tor living just outside Roman territory. All his life, he was grumpy and angry, to the point that people started calling him Sullen Ia'Tor. One day, a Roman legion passed through his area, and captured this barbarian in the name of civilizing him.

While those around him despaired and wailed as they were trained for combat, he was actually enjoying something for the first time. By the time he first stepped into the arena, he was known as... Glad Ia'Tor.

An electrical engineer, a mechanical engineer, and a civil engineer are discussing the nature of God

"God is an electrical engineer" says the EE. "Look at the nervous system! It's all electrical impulses."

"Nonsense," says the ME. "God's a mechanical engineer. Look at the muscles and bones. That's mechnical engineering."

The civil engineer demurs.

"God is a civil engineer. Who ...

Me: "Dude! Help! I'm convinced that I'm possessed by the ghost of an American Civil War General!" Ed: "That's incredible! Are you sure, man?"

Me: "Nope, but 'Grant,' Ed - that's a good guess."

Ed: "Are you ever possessed by confederate commanders?"

Me: "General Lee? No."

A man dies and goes to hell.

Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.


At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil ...

What ancient civilization wasn’t wiped out by a mass plague?

The Maskedonians

It’s almost midnight. I’ll leave.

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You go hiking with your best friend Terry. Both of you get lost, and Terry is mauled to death by a bear.

You bury Terry in a shallow grave and try to find your way back to civilization. However you end up walking in circles and days later, you find yourself at the exact same spot.

By this time, you've exhausted your supply of water and are severely dehydrated. Then you realize that Terry was ...

A man was sun bathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A women walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift
your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly, it would lift
itself."

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Civil Engineer: Lets build a bridge!

Rude Engineer: Fuck you!

What was Morgan Freeman called before the civil war?

Morgan

Three Engineers are eating lunch together and arguing.

The mechanical engineer is adamant that God must be a mechanical engineer because the human body is so well designed. The software engineer is just as sure that God must be a software engineer as the human mind is the most sophisticated software in the known universe. Suddenly they stop arguing and ...

Just after the US Civil War, a handsome and proper Texan Colonel, a beautiful young debutante, and a foppish city boy from the east found themselves travelling by train through the heartland of Texas.

As they rode in silence, the Texan couldn't help but notice the city boy kept staring at the young woman. He scowled his disapproval each time he caught the boy's eye, but the boy kept staring at the woman.

Finally, the city boy screwed up his courage, placed his hand on the debutante's knee,...

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Emerson, Lake, and Palmer walk into a bar. . .

RESUBMITTING WITHOUT LINKS



Picture it. June, 1971. London.



Keith Emerson, Greg Lake and Carl Palmer are celebrating the release of their album Tarkus at the Seven Stars Pub.



Very quickly, both ELP and their BACs are riding high.

Nothing can spoil t...

Despite the civil unrest, America has lost nothing of its greatness.

Still 9,540,000 square miles.

An Alien Doctor

It's year 5038, and humans are living together with various alien civilizations across the universe.

One day, a human mother and her human son visited an alien doctor. The son had a rare interstellar desease. The doctor performed a surgery on him.

After several hours, surgery came to e...

3 engineering students

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The ...

What is the difference between Game of Thrones and the syrian civil war? One is for entertainment...

and the other one is a TV-show.

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A joke my Russian friend sent me

A Frenchman, a German, and a Russian go on a safari and are captured by cannibals. They are brought to the chief, who says, "We are going to eat you right now. But I am a civilized man, I studied human rights at the Patrice Lumumba University in Moscow, so I'll grant each of you a last request." The...

Tomorrow is Black Friday just be decent and civilized

By holding the cell phone horizontal when recording any fights.

A pirate walks into a bar and sees a civil rights activist, a communist, and a dog sitting around a table.

The pirate says, “It’s my lucky day. X. Marx. The Spot.”

Civil engineer goes to Hell

A civil engineer dies and goes to Hell by accident. According to policy, all civil engineers go to Heaven but a mistake was made this time. The engineer descends to Hell and he finds the situation miserable. Too much heat, fires, lava, vapor, and everyone is in panic mode. So he goes to have a littl...

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a civil engineer were having a drink after work

As they drank, the conversation turned to God. Obviously, he was an engineer! But what sort of engineer?

The mechanical engineer brought up the perfection of the human joints and musculature. Surely that proved God was a mechanical engineer!

The electrical engineer responded that, wi...

As a civilized caveman, Arg found Kro’s advocacy for cannibalism to be deplorable and publicly opposed him.

When the great famine arrived, he realized he was going to have to eat Kro.

"When drums stop...very bad."

An English explorer was trekking through a remote jungle with a local wise man he had hired as a guide. Two days into their journey, far from civilization, they began to hear the faint, slow beating of drums in the distance.

*Dum. Dum. Dum. Dum.*

The Englishman said to the wise man, “I...

a lathered-up mob ...

a mob gathered outside the soapmaker's cottage accusing, "those barrels in your cellar, we know what they are, we know what you've been up to - those barrels contain fats rendered from our missing townsfolk you've been murdering all these years!"  

the soapmaker protested, "those are lyes, th...

What does the Korean civil war and a Korean gambler have in common ?

A Korean lost a Korean won

Two men were hunting deep in the woods one late afternoon

As the sun set over the horizon, the two hunters realized they were lost. Finding themselves outside of signal range and miles from civilization, they mulled over their options for rescue.

"Oh," one man perked up, "I remember reading that if you fire three shots in the air, it's a sign of dis...

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Be Careful What You Ask For...

There was a guy who was born deformed, he didn't have a body, he was just a head. He had family and a loyal group of friends that would include him and they would usually just carry him under their arm from place to place.

One day he went with friends to a local bar where they sat him on top...

A priest who came to a village in Africa which was very ignorant, was trying to educate the natives.

While he preached every morning that people should do good and be kind to each other, he would try to teach English to the head of the tribe in the afternoon. One day the priest took the chief with him and started walking
Meanwhile, he was trying to increase the knowledge of the chief by saying t...

Civil War spoilers

Lee surrenders at Appomatox Courthouse, Abe Lincoln is shot by John Wilkes Booth.

Back in the civil war, gunshot wounds used to be the most gruesome, awful way to die.

Now it's considered kid stuff.

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What do you call the extremes in the political spectrum?

Political Rectums

Example sentence: It’s impossible to have a civilized discussion with Tim, he is too far right/left up in the Political Rectum.

Once a Bright and Intelligent young man went for an IAS (Indian Civil Service) interview

Once a Bright and Intelligent young man went for an IAS (Indian Civil Service) interview.

He was asked -

Q 1. When did India get Independence?

He answered - The efforts started long back; but could succeed in 1947.

Q 2. Who were the persons, who played important role in ...

So John Kelly claims that the lack of an ability to compromise led to the Civil War...

I wouldn’t say that’s 100% accurate, but at least 3/5ths.

A strict vegetarian crashes his plane in the middle of the country and has to find his way to civilization.

A strict vegetarian crashes his plane in the middle of the country and has to find his way to civilization. Due to a tragic experience as a child, he refuses to eat meat; he says the idea of eating what was once a living animal disgusts him and he could never enjoy eating meat. According to his ma...

Why was the proud civil engineer salty?

He received constructive criticism.

More than half of $2.6bn (£1.9bn) in donations made at a special one-day conference to ease the humanitarian crisis in Yemen were pledged by countries that are either fighting in the civil war or selling arms to those undertaking the fighting.

When life gives you Yemen, you give Yemen aid.

An alien civilization has spotted us.

Now they live in constant fear.

The first condom was invented by arabs far back in history, it's said that they used the intestines from a goat. Yet it was circa. 1800 when the british civilization refined this method by...

First taking the intestines out of the goat.

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If scientists perfect our nutrition so that our bodies metabolize 100% of what we eat with zero waste, we may evolve to a pinnacle of civilization. Why?

There will be no more assholes in the world.

Today I learned about Harvey E. Brown, a civil war surgeon who had so many amputations he ran out of fake legs and had to use a shovel.

It was a ground-breaking medical procedure.

Everyone keeps talking about how Rosa Parks stood up for civil rights.

I thought the whole point was that they DIDN'T stand up??

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A man was sunbathing naked at the beach

For the sake of civility and to protect from being sunburnt, he had a hat on his private parts.

A women came by and smirked, “If you were a real gentleman you’d lift your hat for a lady.”




The man replied, “Ma’am, if you were more attractive it would lift itself.”

I've heard a lot about how important 'the wheel' was for civilization

But I think it's time to recognize 'the shovel' for being the ground-breaking invention that it is.

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A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives to be civilized and kind to each other when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."

He...

What did the dyslexic astrophysicist say to the civil rights activist?

Black Matter Lives

Why wasn't Daredevil in Civil War?

He doesn't work well with Vision

The next time you meet someone who says they're a civil engineer,

Tell them, "That's wonderful! Engineers are usually so rude!"

[sorry, not useful unless you meet a lot of civil engineers]

What did the Middle East say when they saw Yemen having another civil war?

Oman, here we go again...

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A lone traveler needed to stop and wait out a storm.

A lone traveler needed to stop and wait out a storm. She came across a church settled near the top of a mountain far away from civilization, and decided to ask for them to lend hospitality to her. A nun greeted her at the entrance when she approached the church, and lead her inside. There, she was g...

This joke is for all the engineers out there

Three university engineering students are having a heated debate over which type of engineering is the best to specialize into. Mechanical is clearly the best says the one student, its the most interesting field and theres more employment opportunities post grad!! no way says the other student elect...

Why did the French have so many Civil Wars?

Because they wanted to be able to win one for once.

"Y'know with all the civil unrest, political corruption, class divides, drug smuggling, gang wars, police brutality, gun violence, and poor education maybe building a wall to protect us from our southern neighbors isn't such a bad idea"

\- Canada

Civil war

To all of the Hillary supporters who are unhappy with the election and would like to start a civil war, just remember, you are on the side that doesn't want any guns.

Who is Donald Trump's favorite Civil War General?

Stonewall Jackson











(disclaimer I don't actually know who his favorite general is)

Someone asked Ghandi what he thought about Western Civilization

He thought it could be a really good idea

Even if I end up being a civil engineer I won't build tunnels.

Because it's boring.

[Civil servant joke] President Obama wants to know who's better: the CIA, the US Marine Corps, or the LAPD.

The President orders a single, clearly marked white rabbit to be released into the California redwood forests. Whichever service catches the rabbit wins the contest.

The CIA go first. They deploy surveillance drones, spy satellites and analysts to track down the target. The rabbit is small...

Southerners can do pretty good civil war voice impressions....

General Lee speaking.

Donald Trump doesn't believe there were any lynchings during the Civil War.

When asked about it, He said it was just a case of Fake Noose

A physician, a civil engineer, and a consultant were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world.

The physician remarked, "Well, in the Bible, it says that God created Eve from a rib taken out of Adam. This clearly required surgery, and so I can rightly claim that mine is the oldest profession in the world."

The civil engineer interrupted, and said, "But even earlier in the book of Genesi...

A 178 year old Civil War survivor told me this joke.

Me: "Hey old man, tell me a joke from the war!!"

Him: "I can't remember any - I General Lee didnt find them very funny."

A man is stranded in the desert with nothing but a camel.

As the days drag on, all alone with no sign of civilization in sight, the man becomes increasingly lonely. One day, the feeling is so strong that he loses his better judgement and decides to make love to his camel.

So the man pulls down his pants and positions himself behind the camel. Then, ...

What do ancient civilizations and lettuce recalls have in common?

The fall of the Romaine empire.

A priest was teaching a tribe to be civilized..

A priest/whatever was teaching a tribe to be civilized. He taught them all the manners and etiquettes. Finally, he decided to teach them English.

He took the village head and walked around the forest.

He pointed at a tree and said "tree". The Elder nodded and the priest was pleased tha...

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For the Civil engineers and contractors of Reddit

Coarse aggregate to sand : “How are you?”

Sand : “I am fine”

I’ve heard that civilization first started in the Middle East

I guess easy come easy go

[SPOILER] Ending of Civil War.

Lincoln gets killed at the end.

What do you call a civil rights activists who's also a shower sponge?

Martin Loofah King

Sean Bean is the Narrator for Civilization VI

So I guess he dies after the Bronze Age or ...?

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A group of scientists are performing research on building civilizations...

they decide to put three people on an island. Not wanting to ignore cultures, they choose an American, a European, and a Japanese man. The three men are told they will be left on the island for three months and after which their survival and civilization building skills will be evaluated.
The Am...

What ancient civilization had the best tattoos?

The Ink-ans

Why did 'Civil Disobedience' take so long to write?

The author was being Thoreau

God is obviously a Civil Engineer...

... Only a civil engineer would route a sewage system through a playground.

A store for wisdom

Dr. Who was traveling through time and space, when he came upon a cache of the universe's best wise sayings. He loaded them into the Tardis and decided to set up a shop on a nice little corner just outside of reality to sell the sayings to the great thinkers and writers of all time. He advertised hi...

Why are there no more civil war reenactments any more?

Half the guys keep getting into fights and being arrested on their way to events.

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An American anthropologist is studying cultures throughout Western Africa.

He discovers an isolated civilization in the West African Jungle. It’s a small village with wooden houses and plenty of domesticated animals. The anthropologist is impressed by the organization of the village and becomes eager to learn more about the culture of it’s inhabitants.

He approa...

A civilization of sentient deer may sound interesting

But I get the strange feeling that they'd make no progress in advancing their own culture once they come into contact with humans.

I guess that's what happens when you encounter Stagnation

A white man visits a rural tribe in Africa

A white man wants to take the trip of a lifetime, and decides on a trip to Africa. He is in a go nowhere job, with no friends or family, and is feeling down. He quits his job and decides to travel to a remote area, far from civilization. He does not like the touristy vibe that some places give off, ...

Everything you need to know about Australia

I REALLY hope these are true


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!)


\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\...

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My brother works as a part time civil engineer and part time relationship therapist

He's an expert at building bridges

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The power of booze.

Chapayev was a famous Red Army commander during the Russian Civil War.
He often travelled with a young aid named Peter.
One day they were holding a farm until reinforcements would arrive.

- Commander, I got from the radio that the enemy is five miles away!
- Let's drink to it.
Th...

The Genie and the Presidents

George Bush, Barack Obama, and Donald Trump found a magical lamp, and a Genie came out.

"I will grant each of you one wish," said the Genie, "If you can tell me one true fact about yourself. If your statement is false, then you will die."

George Bush thought for a moment, and said, "I...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

The answer is not quite clear but it did affect the geopolitical structure and landscape of western civilization by becoming prey for KFC.

Stephen Hawking says we only have 1000 more years left as a civilization

He's just mad that we haven't figured out how to get him out of that wheelchair by now

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Sours: https://upjoke.com/civil-jokes

Are you rushing around, trying to get everything done before the holidays next week?  Let these engineering jokes take the edge off.  We’ve assembled a list of the punniest puns we could find with engineering professionals in mind.*  Enjoy!

1)      Q: Why did the Higgs Boson go to church?

         A: For the mass

2)      Power naps are great. You can build up charge with them.

3)      Customer: Do you have any two-watt, 4-volt bulbs?

         Sales Rep: For what?

         Customer: No, two.

         Sales Rep: Two what?

         Customer: Yes.

         Sales Rep: No.

4)      Did you hear about the company that sells elastomeric insulators? Their motto is ‘Resistance is butyl.

5)      After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.

6)      Two engineering students bumped into each other at school and one noticed the other’s new bike. He asked, “Where did you get such a wonderful bike?”  The other student replied that a blonde rode up to him, threw her bike on the ground, took off all her clothes, threw them on the ground and said, “Take whatever you’d like to have.”  The first student says, “Good call, I’ll bet her clothes wouldn’t have fit either of us.”

7)      New engineer: “How do you estimate how long a project will take?”

         Seasoned engineer: “I add up the time required for each task, then multiply the sum by pi.”

         New engineer: “Why pi?”

         Seasoned engineer: “It ensures that all my budgets are irrational.”

8)      Two antennas got married – the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.

9)      Two atoms are walking down the street, and one says to the other, “Wait, wait, we have to go back. I’ve lost an electron somewhere.”

         The second atom says, “Really? Are you sure?”

         To which the first atom replies, “Yes. I’m positive.”

10)   Q: What to give your favorite electrical engineer for his birthday?

        A: Shorts.

11)   Knock knock. Who’s there? Interrupting coefficient of friction. Interrupting coefficient of fri…. mmmuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu (μ)

12)   Q: What did the electrical engineer say when he got shocked?

        A: That hertz.

13)   An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.  The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want.”   Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.   Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess and that I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”   The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that’s cool.”

14)   Q: Why did the electron throw up?

        A: He was spinning.

15)   A pessimist looks at a glass of water and states it is half empty, an optimist looks at the same glass and states it is half full, but an engineer sees it and states the glass is twice as tall as it should be.

16)   Q: What’s the difference between an introverted and an extroverted engineer?

        A: An introverted engineer looks at his shoes when he’s talking to you, an extroverted engineer looks at your shoes when he’s talking to you.

17)   Looking for a boyfriend in engineering: the odds are good, but the goods are odd.

18)   Q: What did the structural engineer say to the architect?

        A: Nice buttress.

19)   Why did the engineering students leave class early? They were getting a little ANSI.

20)   Q: Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?

        A: He had more degrees.

*All jokes borrowed from the internet and reproduced in good fun!

Which joke was your favorite?  Do you know any other good ones?  Tell us in the comments section below!

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Engineer One Liners Jokes


What's the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons.
Civil engineers build targets.

Q: How many engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They are all too busy trying to design the perfect light bulb.

Q: How many consulting engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it will cost $50.

What do you call a robot you buy?
A robought

Why doesn't hamilton ever order dessert at a restaraunt?
Because he doesn't tolerate second order.

Why did a centrifugal pump engineer and his wife get a divorce?
Because when she asked him why he was so late from work one day he responded with, "I was getting head.

Engineers aren't boring people. We just get excited over boring things.

Hey baby I'm an engineer. I can mend your broken heart

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Joke Generators:

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Jokes About Engineers (8 of them)

28 Of Our Favourite Engineering Jokes

Being an engineer is a serious job.

Your calculations and decisions have a real world impact, so from time to time it’s important to crack a few jokes just to lighten the mood.

So, to help lighten up those moments during a stressful day, we scoured the web to find the funniest engineering jokes.

You might laugh, cry, or even groan; but here’s 28 of our favourite engineering jokes:

 

1. God - The Engineer

Three men are sat in a bar discussing God and his profession.

"God must be a mechanical engineer,” says the first. “Just look at the joints in the human body."

“No,” say’s the second man. “God must be an electrical engineer -- just look at the nervous system."

“You’re both wrong,” says the third man. "God has to be a civil engineer.”

“Why’s that?” ask the other two men.

 “Well who else would run a waste disposal pipeline through a perfectly good recreational area?"

 

2. The Balloonist

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost.

He reduces his height and spots a woman down below.

Lowering the balloon further he shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

"Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 50 feet above this field" says the woman.

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.

"I am," replies the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."

"You must be in management," says the woman.

"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," she says, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but somehow now it's my fault."

 

3. The Hunting Trip

An engineer, a statistician, and a physicist are out hunting.

They spot a deer, and each take a turn to try and bag it.

The physicist goes first. He pulls out his lab book and quickly calculates the trajectory of the bullet, assuming it is a perfect sphere in a vacuum. The bullet falls 20m short of the deer.

The engineer goes second. He pulls out his engineers pad and book of projectile assumptions. After a few minutes he’s ready, he takes aim, and he fires. The bullet lands 20m passed the deer.

The statistician leaps in the air shouting, “We got it!”

 

4. Glass Half Full

To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

 

5. The Talking Frog

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him.

"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess," said the frog.

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

“What is the matter?” the frog asked. “I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

"Look,” said the man. “I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool!"

 

6. The Blind Firemen

A vicar, doctor and engineer were playing a round of golf. They got to the third tee and were delayed by people still playing the hole.

The engineer lost his patience, "What's going on? We’ve been here at least 20 minutes!"

The doctor nodded in agreement.

The vicar saw the green keeper walking by and shouted to him, "How come that group ahead of us are so slow?”

The green keeper replied, "Oh, they’re all blind firemen. They all lost their sight pulling school children out of a burning building, so they can play anytime for free.”

Everyone was silent for a few seconds.

The vicar finally said, "Oh dear. I’ll be sure to pray for them. Well done on such charitable work good fellow."

The doctor added, "Yes, well done to you. I’ll make sure they get the best treatment at the eye unit in the hospital too."

The engineer, arms folded, tapping his feet said, "Ok, but if they’re blind then why can’t they play at night?”

 

7. Milk & Eggs

A wife asks her husband, an engineer, for a favour.

"Darling, can you please go to the shop to buy one pint of milk? And if they have eggs, get a dozen!"

Off he goes to the shop, and half an hour later he returns with 12 pints of milk.

His wife stares at him and asks, "Why on earth did you get 12 pints of milk?"

"Well… they had eggs," he replied.

 

8. The Definition of An Engineer

What is the definition of an engineer?

Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

 

9. The Guillotine

An Engineer, a priest, and a thief were each sentenced to death by guillotine.

They bring out the priest first, and he says "Please. Allow me to lie in the guillotine facing up, so that I might face towards God as I am about to join him."

The guards allow it, and place his head through the slot.

The guard pulls the lever and the blade comes down but stops just inches short of the priest's head. It's regarded as such a freak occurrence that the priest is pardoned and set free.

Next up is the thief.

“Heck, it worked for the priest. Put me in face up too," he says.

Again the guards allow it, and again they pull the lever.

The blade comes falling down, but again stops just short of the thief's neck. Like the priest, the thief is granted a pardon and set free, due to the marvelously good turn of fortune.

Finally the engineer is brought out.

"If you don't mind, could you put me in facing up?" he asks.

The guards agree and place him in the machine.

The guard grabs a hold of the lever, but just before he can pull, the engineer points up and says:

"Oh hey, I think I see where the problem is..."

 

10. The Wedding

Two antennas got married - the wedding was lousy, but the reception was outstanding.

 

11. The Holidaying Photon

A Photon checks into a hotel and the receptionist asks if he needs any help with his luggage.

“No thanks,” says the Photon “I’m travelling light.”

 

12. Nuclear Nutrition

What do nuclear engineers like to eat?

Fission chips

 

13. Wind Turbines

Wind turbine 1: "What kind of music do you like?"

Wind turbine 2:  "I'm a big metal fan"

 

14. Beam

An indeterminate beam walks into a bar.

"What can I get ya?" asks the bartender.

"Just give me a moment," replies the beam.

 

15. The Constipated Engineer

Did you hear about the constipated engineer?

He worked it out with a pencil.

It was a natural log.

 

16. People

There are 10 types of people in this world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.

 

17. The Effects of Studying Engineering

Before studying engineering, if someone asked me what 1+1 is, I would have said 2.

Now, I'd say I'm pretty sure it's 2, but we'd better make it 3 just to be safe.

 

18. Doctors vs Engineers

What's the difference between a doctor and an engineer?

A doctor kills people one at a time.

 

19. The Train Journey

Three lawyers and three engineers were travelling by train to a conference. At the station, each lawyer bought a ticket whereas the engineers bought only one ticket between them.

‘How are you going to travel on a single ticket?’ asked one lawyer.

‘Wait and watch’, answered one of the engineers.

When they boarded the train, the lawyers took their seats, but the three engineers crammed into a toilet and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train started, the ticket collector arrived. He knocked on the toilet door and asked, "Ticket, please." The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The ticket collector took it and moved on.

Seeing this, the lawyers decided to the same thing on the return trip so when they arrived at the station they bought only one ticket. To their astonishment, the engineers didn’t buy any. ‘How are you going to travel without a ticket?’ asked one of the perplexed lawyers.

“Wait and watch”, answered an engineer.

In the train, the three engineers crammed into a toilet and the three lawyers into another nearby. Soon after the train started, one of the engineers got out of the toilet and walked to one where the lawyers were hiding.

He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please…"

 

20. Civil Engineers vs Mechanical Engineers

What's the difference between civil engineers and mechanical engineers?

Mechanical engineers build missiles, civil engineers build targets.

 

21. Ouch

What did the electrical engineer say when he got shocked?

That hertz.

 

22. Different People

A graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

A graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

A graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

A graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Would you like fries with that?"

 

23. Two Engineers

Two engineering students bumped into each other at school and one noticed the other's new bike.

He asked, "Where did you get such a wonderful bike?" 

The other student replied that a blonde rode up to him, threw her bike on the ground, took off all her clothes, threw them on the ground and said, "Take whatever you'd like to have." 

The first student says, "Good call, I'll bet her clothes wouldn't have fit either of us."

 

24. The Trainee

New engineer: "How do you estimate how long a project will take?"

Seasoned engineer: "I add up the time required for each task, then multiply the sum by pi."

New engineer: "Why pi?"

Seasoned engineer: "It ensures that all my budgets are irrational."

 

25. A Birthday Gift

What do you give your favorite electrical engineer for their birthday?

Shorts.

 

26. The Pearly Gates

An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates. An intern angel, filling in for St Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, "Ah, you're an engineer. You're in the wrong place."

So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements.

After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flushing toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons.

One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan laughed and replied, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flushing toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God's face clouded over and he exploded, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have been sent down there. Send him up here."

Satan shook his head, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God was as mad as he had ever been, "This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughed uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

 

27. The Flagpole

Bubba and Billy Ray were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Billy Ray shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a blonde? We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

 

28. The Wheelbarrow

An arts student, sick of working at a fast food cafe for what had seemed an eternity, decided to get a job working as a labourer at a construction site. Being an over-confident arts student, he soon began to brag to the other workers about all sorts of things. One day he decided to brag that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of the wiry engineer on the site. After several minutes, the engineer had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," said the engineer. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, little guy!" the braggart replied. "Let's see what you have."

The engineer reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

 


 

Know an engineering joke we missed? Send us a message and we’ll add it to the list!

 

 

Sours: https://www.entechts.com/blog/2019/07/engineering-jokes

Liners civil engineering jokes one

17 Funny Engineering Jokes

Funny Engineering Jokes About Surgery

Laugh at 17 really funny engineering jokes. We did our best to bring you only the best jokes about engineers.

Table Of Contents

1 An Electrical Engineer And Talking Frog

An electrical engineer crosses a road when a frog calls out to him, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”

He bends over, picks up the frog, and puts it in his pocket. The frog speaks up again and says, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.” The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it, and returns it to the pocket.

The frog then cries out, “If you kiss me and turn me back, I’ll do whatever you say!” Again the engineer takes the frog out, smiles at it, and puts it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asks, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, I’ll stay with you for a month and do whatever you say. What more do you want?”
The engineer says, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that’s cool!”

2 Constipated Engineer

Did you hear about the constipated engineer? He worked it out with a pencil. It was a natural log.

3 Joke About An Engineer, A Statistician, And A Physicist

An engineer, a statistician, and a physicist are out hunting. They spot a buck, and each take turn to try and bag it.

The physicist goes first. He pulls out his lab book and quickly calculates the trajectory of the bullet, assuming it is a perfect sphere in a vacuum. The bullet falls 20m short of the deer.

The engineer goes second. He pulls out his engineers pad and book of projectile assumptions. After a few minutes he’s ready, he takes aim, and he fires. The bullet lands 20m passed the deer.

The statistician leaps in the air shouting, “We got it!”

4 Electrical Engineering Student And His Friend

One afternoon, an electrical engineering student was riding across campus on a shiny new bike. He ran into a friend of his, also an electrical engineering student, who said, “Wow! That sure is a great bike. Where did you get it?”

“Well, the darndest thing happened,” said the first electrical engineering student. “A girl came riding up to me and got off the bike, threw off all her clothes, and said that I could have anything that I wanted.”

“Wow,” remarked his friend. “That’s great. Good move. Her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you anyway.”

5 A Man In A Hot Air Balloon

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The woman below replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You’re between 59 and 60 degrees north latitude and between 107 and 108 degrees west longitude.”

“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.

“I am,” replied the woman, “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I’ve no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been
much help at all. If anything, you’ve delayed my trip.”

The woman below responded, “You must be in Management.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”

6 The Way Software Engineer Sees A Solution

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer, and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed.

The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car’s occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?

“I know,” said the Departmental Manager, “Let’s have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way.”

“No, no,” said the Hardware Engineer, “That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I’ve got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car’s braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way.”

“Well,” said the Software Engineer, “Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again.”

7 Engineering Joke About Scottish Sheep

A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.

“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”

“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.

“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”

8 Optimist, Pessimist, And Engineer

To an optimist, the glass is half full.

To a pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To an engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

9 Death By Electrical Engineering

Three guys go down to Vegas one night, get drunk and wake up in jail. They find out that they’re to be executed for their crimes but none of them can remember what they have done.

The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, “I am a priest and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent.” They throw the switch and nothing happens; so they figure God must not want this guy to die, and let him go.

The second one is strapped in and gives his last words. “I am an attorney and I believe in the eternal power of Justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.” The switch is thrown and again nothing happens.Figuring the law is on this guy’s side, they let him go.

The last one is strapped in and say’s “I’m an electrical engineer, and I’ll tell you right now, you’ll never electrocute anybody if you don’t connect those two wires.”

10 An Engineer, A Chemist, And A Mathematician Stuck In An Old Motel

An engineer, a chemist and a mathematician are staying in three adjoining rooms at an old motel. First the engineer’s coffee maker catches fire. He smells the smoke, wakes up, unplugs the coffee maker, throws it out the window, and goes back to sleep.

Later that night the chemist smells smoke too. He wakes up and sees that a cigarette butt has set the trash can on fire. He says to himself, “Hmm. How does one put out a fire? One can reduce the temperature of the fuel below the flash point; isolate the burning material from oxygen, or both. This could be accomplished by applying water.” So he picks up the trash can, puts it in the shower stall, turns on the water, and, when the fire is out, goes back to sleep.

The mathematician, of course, has been watching all this out the window. So later, when he finds that his pipe ashes have set the bed sheet on fire, he is not in the least taken aback. He says: “Aha! A solution exists!” and goes back to sleep.

11 Joke About A Lawyer And An Engineer In The Caribbean

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, “I’m here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.

“That’s quite a coincidence,” said the engineer. “I’m here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.”

The lawyer looked somewhat confused. “How do you start a flood?” he asked.

12 Engineer Competing To Be Chief Executive Officer

An engineer, a physicist, and an accountant were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation.

The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with: “How much is two plus two?” The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the boardroom and announcing, “Four.”

The physicist was interviewed next, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced, “Four.”

The accountant was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked, “How much do you want it to be?”

13 Young Engineer On A Job Interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Manager asked the young engineer fresh out of university, “And what starting salary were you looking for?”
The engineer said, “In the neighborhood of $100,000 a year, depending on the benefit’s package.”

The HR Manager said, “Well, what would you say to a package of $200,000 a year, 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years – say, a red Mercedes?”

The engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow!!! Are you joking?”

And the HR Manager said, “Of course, …but you started it.”

14 The Power Of Assumption

A chemist, a physicist, and a chemical engineer are rafting down a river. They crash the raft onto the bank. They have a supply of canned goods but no can opener.

The chemist tries to erode the can. That doesn’t work.

The physicist uses his glasses to focus the sunlight to burn a hole in the can. That doesn’t work either.

The chemical engineer stands up and proclaims: “I’ve got it! Assume the can is open!”

15 Mechanical Engineers Versus Civil Engineers

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

16 Engineer Finds Volume Of A Red Ball

A mathematician, scientist and engineer were tasked with finding the volume of a red ball.

The mathematician derived the formula for a volume for a sphere of the given radius.

The scientist submerged the ball in water in a graduated cylinder and measured the displaced volume.

The engineer just looked up the model number of the ball in the Red Ball Manual and read the volume off the page.

17 Engineer Becomes Friends With Satan

An engineer died and reported to the Pearly Gates. An intern angel, filling in for St Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, “Ah, you’re an engineer. You’re in the wrong place.”

So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons.

One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”

Satan laughed and replied, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

God’s face clouded over and he exploded, “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake. He should never have been sent down there. Send him up here.”

Satan shook his head, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”

God was as mad as he had ever been, “This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”

Satan laughed uproariously, “Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?”

Engineer Jokes About Math
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Jokes About Engineers (8 of them)

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